Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
