Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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