If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
