I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
