I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
