Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
How many fucks given?
0.12846
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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