Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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