Swine flu. Run for my life!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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