my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
