i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
