apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
