Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
