I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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