as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
