you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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