Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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