i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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