Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
