Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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