You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Can you bring me the toilet please
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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