So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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