When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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