i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
