Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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