Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
