mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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