I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
