It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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