If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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