did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
