Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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