If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
