Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize