Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
