Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just blew my weed a kiss
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
