Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
