he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
