my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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