Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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