I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
