So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
