Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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