Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
