I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just found a bag of teeth...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
