I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
