textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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