My balls are so social today.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
