you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
