and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
