I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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