Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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