When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
