oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
