Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize