by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
