Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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