I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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