This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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