Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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