Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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