i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
