They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
