Well douche your snatch and let's go!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
