the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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