dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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