it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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