Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
