life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
as a side note pls kill me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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