Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
