I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
