Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
