life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
