Betty ford says i'm here all night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
