the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
